dear Grandma.

October 31st, 2009.... i wish that i can save her. but the truth is, i can't. i get up every morning, running from her presence, because i'm afraid that if i look at her, she'll disappear.

recently, i've been trying. i've gotten her to laugh a couple of times, seen her smile at me. but what really bothers me, is the silence we sit through when having a meal. whats going through her head? what is she thinking? what should i say?

its the same routine for her everyday. she gets up eats breakfast, sits down to watch tv, reads, then lunch, then its the same thing over & over. sometimes when i watch her staring at the tv, i wonder if she thinks about life. or is she so content with where she is that it just doesn't matter? sometimes, she goes to sit outside with my cat. as the protectively sits by her side, she pets him, sometimes humming, sometimes singing quietly, sometimes, she does nothing but sit.

before every meal, she prays, after every meal, she prays. as i watch her eat, there are times i get up to leave, and cry. she gets younger every day, and ages every week. i'm afraid, that if i wake up tomorrow, she won't.

my heart aches everyday, it breaks everyday, she is dying everday.

so now she sits in her room, probably reading her Bible, & i'm to afriad to go in there.

what scares me the most, is that she won't wake up one day, & there was nothing i could have done, theres nothing i could do, i couldn't save her, and it kills me.