from death to Love.

When I look at her, I can tell she longs for it. She longs for the quick and easy fix out of life; the button to push that would make everything disappear.
She’s been prisoned in this bed for months & it’s the same story from the docs over again, “we are trying as hard as we can ma’am.” She knows they are, but by this point, she just wants to pull a trigger, one preferably aiming directly at the brain, the whole reason she is here.
It’s the same routine over & over; wake up, bath, eat, sleep, & sleep some more. She wonders why she couldn’t just fall asleep & not wake up, but maybe is just not God’s time, if only He would just hurry up.
Every once in a while a stranger comes to see her & over again she tells the same story, “ I have a brain tumor, they are trying to figure out whether or not its malignant.” But her patience, & sometimes loss at emotions, only seems to bring theses strangers to tears.
She knew she has a tumor & knew that life was going to be a short journey for her. The preparation for this phenomena began at a young age when the migraines wouldn’t stop. She just knew.
But no, she is not angry at God. She just wishes for Him to hurry up so she can be with Him a little quicker. Still He wasn’t ready for her.

Today, I was one of those strangers, one of the many nurses to come to care, come to visit. & as soon as I stepped into the room, I could feel the aroma of peace drowning out the room she smiled at me & I knew she was ready to go.
Young I thought; she was a slender black woman, one who could tell a life changing story. She greeted me & insisted on taking my hand as I sat next to her. Her fingers were cold, icy, & frail. I was too afraid that if she held on any longer they would break, but her touch was so precious & sweet, the kind of touch by someone who knew that definition of Love.
She asked me my name, smiled and said it was beautiful. She told me I had an angelic face, & a kind heart, asked me if I was married, & I said “no.” she replied, “well darling, Jesus has him in store, be patient.”
I read over this woman’s case, the tumor was malignant, & was now spreading, slowly but surely. Now she as having a difficult time breathing, I was surprised she was still speaking.
I’ve never met a woman with so much love, depth & faith; it almost scared me.
I looked over at her, trying to smile, “Ms. Faith, I regret to inform you that your tumor is malignant.”
“Oh child, I know, I’m just waiting.”
I was in there for maybe an hour or more, knowing this beautiful, amazing woman watching her take her last breaths of life, loving her more & more each minute.
I bid Ms. Faith good night & told her I would see her in the morning.
But sleep was not an option that night. I kept seeing death next to her, & kept seeing Jesus hold her.
The following morning as I put on my scrubs, I was more than excited to see my new angel. But was I approached her room, I noticed it was empty.
“Where is Ms. Faith? Did she get moved to ICU?”
“No, she passed last night, & left you a note.”
I didn’t become attached to my patients, but Faith brought tears to my eyes.
The note was beautifully in scripted, “To Hope” and inside it read...

“My dear,
Jesus was waiting for me to meet you. You asked me why I love so, & I read a book once that said ‘To love is to be fully human…’ I thank you for your love.”

To this day, I still carry her note in my pocket, still stained with her tears.