of course i'm judging him. i mean, why wouldn't i? he is grungy, and dirty. i can smell him as he stands next to my car window with a sign that reads "homeless, please help, God bless." immediately, as if he is a convicted criminal, i lock all four doors, roll up my window, and choose to avoid as much eye contact as possible.
then the thoughts go through my head, "who is he? what's his name? does he have children?" how can i be such a curious person, yet automatically judge, and assume, that this man, who smells different, who is obviously hungry, is going to rob me. how selfish can i be? how is it that i am any better than he is? yet, i still sit in my car with the windows rolled up, refusing to make eye contact because i don't want to feel sorry for him, and i don't want to give him that last dollar in my pocket, even though i don't need it. he probably deserves that McDonald's coffee more than i do. Because i'm pretty sure that his man is not judging me. In fact, he probably feels shame, and hurt, and i refuse to help him because once again, i think i am too good for this, when the truth is, i am probably much more of a dirty, filthy person on the inside.
where has all this judgement come from? all he probably wants is some change, or something to eat, and is just trying to get by in life. Yet, here i sit, in my NICE car, in clean clothes, on the way to my JOB, and i have the nerve to sit here and judge this man, when all he wants is to probably be loved, and stopped being judged. all he wants is a sandwich, and to thank some one for their kindness and hospitality. for crying out loud, i mean, this man could be Jesus, on this corner, and i am doing everything in my power to avoid His presence. i should be the one ashamed.
Just as i reach into my pocked to pull out my dollar, i see a woman running across the street with a bag in her hand. she hands him the bag, and a bottle of water. the man hugs her, and she walks away.
the tears in my eyes start to come, the light turns green, and i drive away, hoping that i don't see this man because i feel as if he has read all my thoughts, and i am too much embarrassed to show my face.
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