His hands are wide open & i do not come. constantly, He is calling me, over & over & begs for me to look at Him; for me to at least turn around. but i ignore His beautiful voice. i desire more than anything to draw into His grace, His beauty, His everlasting, unconditional Love. but who am i? & why does He love me so? i've abandon Him, left Him, hurt Him, betrayed Him, still He calls for me.
i have watched myself accomplish everything He hates, & i did it before His eyes, knowing He is watching me. & so i continue for my own selfish need because this is everything i want, everything my disgusting flesh desires.
once i've torn myself apart & unable to stand, He saves me, again. so i surrender into Him, allow Him to comfort me. & once i'm healed, once again, i turn away, walk away, with out ever expressing my thanks.
i don't walk very far before i turn back around & run back into His arms, & He tells me He loves me. tears are streaming from His eyes & pouring out of mine. i begin to tell Him how sorry i am, how worthless i am, how selfish i am. so then He takes His nail scarred hands, wipes my tears, & tells me, i am worth His life.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
forever waiting.
how can i ever forget her face its like i just saw her yesterday, and again today 5 years later.
i find her in the grocery store, with her beautiful daughter hanging on her side, and another child one the way, her belly so beautifully protruding, saying, i'm a mommy.
I mean 5 years ago those two perfectly created children could have once been mine, could have had my eyes, her hair, her gorgeous lips, and porcelain skin. but they are not mine, and no longer is she mine, she now belongs to another man; to her i am now just a stranger. she doesn't know i'm looking, admiring, dreaming, and wondering what life would have been like if i would have called her my wife.
I can see her in the fruit area, carefully picking her apples, picking one up, disagreeing w/ it and placing it right back. she was always carefully admiring her fruit, there always perfection in everything she touched. and once upon a time i would walk up kiss her neck and encourage her that any apple she picked was more than perfect.
she picks up another one, places it in the bag, and moves on.
We were both 19 laying naked in her bed, telling each other how this moment couldn't be any more perfect, how nothing else mattered, and that she promised to love me forever. I would swaddle her in my arms, her silky skin touching my body; her legs intertwined with mine, her heart against mine. my world was in her hands.
i loved her, more than i could ever imagine loving anyone else. i would tell her that one day i would buy her the world, that one day we would run away together somewhere far where no one else mattered but us. she would smile at me, and with love in her eyes tell me that i was all she needed, forever and ever... forever didn't last long enough.
i still look at her pictures, go back to my life when it was perfect, go back to when i showed up at her door step and asked her to be mine, to the day where only we existed on the beaches of S.F. I go back to the day when she told me one day we'd get married, back to the day we had our kids names, back to the day she was pregnant. I go back, to far back, back enough to where i start to see her tears, back to where the baby is lost, back to the day she stood at my door step with garbage bags filled with her clothes, telling me goodbye. She was going home.
I knew one day this day would come, i don't know how, or when, but i knew one day, she would stand in front of me with tears filled in her eyes, telling me she was sorry, telling me she loved me with all her heart. She was telling me she was leaving, she was going back to see her sick mother, going back to be with her lost family; i wasn't going to stop her.
I heard from her a couple of times that week. she asked me to take her name off my cell phone, to throw away her pictures, to try and forget that she changed my life. Life would never be the same, she was leaving for good, half way around the world, and that was all she told me. the last thing she ever said to me crying over the phone, " I love you, " and she hung up the phone. my heart shattered, my hands quivered, my life empty. Love lost.
Forgetting her wasn't easy, in fact, it was impossible. i would dream she was next to me, and wake up w/ a pillow soaked w/ my tears. her smell still lingers, her presence still walks, her voice was heard, but slowly fading. I had to learn to walk again.
So here i am, 5 years later, with her in the same building, same isle, still in the same life. I desired more than anything to run up to here and to tell her that i loved her, that i was and still and waiting for her, that i will forever be here for her. but my body didn't move, my eyes stayed frozen on her, she was really here.
i took one step closer, one big breath, and then she turned her head to find a distant friend admiring her gorgeous body. her eyes filled with tears, her heart was visibly beating through her chest, and i could heart it, rhythmically with my own.
we both stood there for what seemed eternity, trying to capture the fact, that once upon a time, we existed. Her eyes never changed, her lips still as perfect from the first time she kissed me, her hands still as fragile. she was so beautiful, breathtaking, a marvel. no longer mine, she took my heart, and kept it.
she still wore my necklace. i smiled, tears in my own eyes. She parted her lips to say something, but then her daughter tugged on her shirt calling for mommy, and as much as a dreamed to hear her voice say my name, as much as i wanted to love her again, i turned around, walked away, hoping to never be seen of again.
Her life was no longer mine, my life no longer in her hands, my heart missing a piece that she will forever hold.
i walked out of that grocery store, got into my car, and drove away back to my empty house. the dog still greets me at the door, and still waits for her to come home.
i find her in the grocery store, with her beautiful daughter hanging on her side, and another child one the way, her belly so beautifully protruding, saying, i'm a mommy.
I mean 5 years ago those two perfectly created children could have once been mine, could have had my eyes, her hair, her gorgeous lips, and porcelain skin. but they are not mine, and no longer is she mine, she now belongs to another man; to her i am now just a stranger. she doesn't know i'm looking, admiring, dreaming, and wondering what life would have been like if i would have called her my wife.
I can see her in the fruit area, carefully picking her apples, picking one up, disagreeing w/ it and placing it right back. she was always carefully admiring her fruit, there always perfection in everything she touched. and once upon a time i would walk up kiss her neck and encourage her that any apple she picked was more than perfect.
she picks up another one, places it in the bag, and moves on.
We were both 19 laying naked in her bed, telling each other how this moment couldn't be any more perfect, how nothing else mattered, and that she promised to love me forever. I would swaddle her in my arms, her silky skin touching my body; her legs intertwined with mine, her heart against mine. my world was in her hands.
i loved her, more than i could ever imagine loving anyone else. i would tell her that one day i would buy her the world, that one day we would run away together somewhere far where no one else mattered but us. she would smile at me, and with love in her eyes tell me that i was all she needed, forever and ever... forever didn't last long enough.
i still look at her pictures, go back to my life when it was perfect, go back to when i showed up at her door step and asked her to be mine, to the day where only we existed on the beaches of S.F. I go back to the day when she told me one day we'd get married, back to the day we had our kids names, back to the day she was pregnant. I go back, to far back, back enough to where i start to see her tears, back to where the baby is lost, back to the day she stood at my door step with garbage bags filled with her clothes, telling me goodbye. She was going home.
I knew one day this day would come, i don't know how, or when, but i knew one day, she would stand in front of me with tears filled in her eyes, telling me she was sorry, telling me she loved me with all her heart. She was telling me she was leaving, she was going back to see her sick mother, going back to be with her lost family; i wasn't going to stop her.
I heard from her a couple of times that week. she asked me to take her name off my cell phone, to throw away her pictures, to try and forget that she changed my life. Life would never be the same, she was leaving for good, half way around the world, and that was all she told me. the last thing she ever said to me crying over the phone, " I love you, " and she hung up the phone. my heart shattered, my hands quivered, my life empty. Love lost.
Forgetting her wasn't easy, in fact, it was impossible. i would dream she was next to me, and wake up w/ a pillow soaked w/ my tears. her smell still lingers, her presence still walks, her voice was heard, but slowly fading. I had to learn to walk again.
So here i am, 5 years later, with her in the same building, same isle, still in the same life. I desired more than anything to run up to here and to tell her that i loved her, that i was and still and waiting for her, that i will forever be here for her. but my body didn't move, my eyes stayed frozen on her, she was really here.
i took one step closer, one big breath, and then she turned her head to find a distant friend admiring her gorgeous body. her eyes filled with tears, her heart was visibly beating through her chest, and i could heart it, rhythmically with my own.
we both stood there for what seemed eternity, trying to capture the fact, that once upon a time, we existed. Her eyes never changed, her lips still as perfect from the first time she kissed me, her hands still as fragile. she was so beautiful, breathtaking, a marvel. no longer mine, she took my heart, and kept it.
she still wore my necklace. i smiled, tears in my own eyes. She parted her lips to say something, but then her daughter tugged on her shirt calling for mommy, and as much as a dreamed to hear her voice say my name, as much as i wanted to love her again, i turned around, walked away, hoping to never be seen of again.
Her life was no longer mine, my life no longer in her hands, my heart missing a piece that she will forever hold.
i walked out of that grocery store, got into my car, and drove away back to my empty house. the dog still greets me at the door, and still waits for her to come home.
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