beautiful buddha

She looked liked Buddha. With her long, greasy, disgusting hair, & her torn filthy jeans, she looked like him. Everything about her screamed pain, shallow, hallow, empty, lifeless. She had nothing & she was nothing. The sweater she wore was far too large for her & it was obvious she was not wearing a bra & obvious, that somewhere in the bottom was the forming of a new life.
She was retched, vile, homeless, heartbroken, & beautiful. The stains on her gray, torn, Goodwill sweater, each told a terrifying story. I wanted more than anything to run out to her & tell her that I loved her, to tell her that I truly believed she was beautiful. I wished & desired to take her under my own broken wing & attempt to keep her out of the rain, I but I knew I couldn’t. I knew I couldn’t save her & I knew I couldn’t change her. But I saw & felt so much beauty, & saw & felt more pain than ever have I breathed. My assumption was that life was a nothing for her, even though soon she is to bear a child, so my fears only grew larger. I closely admired her filthy hair from a distance, her dirty wrinkles were remarkable, & her deep blue eyes, breathe taking. I fell in love with her brokenness, her cry for help, & her deep profound desire for love. My eyes slowly began to fill with dying tears & for that brief moment, I felt just as worthless. They fell fast, they fell silently, & there was absolutely nothing in that exact moment that could have saved me from so much pain. She held a rose in one hand, & liquor in the other. She will never know how much I actually love her & the child she might one day bear. I watched her walk across the street, out of my left, slowly running away from a possible existence. Never known, never heard. Not a history, not a life. I love her & will never forget her. So before she stepped onto that bus, her blue sapphire eyes struck me with forgiveness, & then, she disappeared.

everything.

i've stood here many times before, & it’s the same question over again, how far is He from me. i wake every morning to His beautiful presence beside me; still, i have yet to see Him. i have yet to touch Him, & everyday He tells me He loves me, & every day i smile. i know He is there. i know that when my tears fall, they are caught. i know that when i scream at night, my cries are comforted. my lies are always seen, my thoughts always heard, & my prayers always answered.
i have fallen in love with what I don’t see. i’ve fallen in love with the One I can’t touch. i have fallen in love with Him & He completes me. He is my everything, & i have always been everything to Him. my life, my lover, my friend, my dreams, my hopes. Love in everything I do, Love in everything I am, every thing i ever will be. He is there with me. every time i will fail, He will be there to pick me back up.
i can’t go on with out Him anymore. life is not beautiful unless His name is written in it. He makes it beautiful, He makes me beautiful. i am completely wrapped up in the idea of Him & who He is. Completely lost in everything He is & has been. it’s like there is this secret i cant tell, only because i don’t know how. & i ache & scream for the world to see & understand, but i don’t know how. my thoughts are nothing but tangled, unable to unwrap themselves, & even if i had an idea of what to say, the words wouldn’t come out as beautiful as the feeling inside. He has ruined me in the utter most, corrupt, beautiful manner. i refuse to go back to whatever & who ever i was before Him. i see Him in my dreams, in my thoughts. i see Him in every ringing voice I speak to. He dwells & lives in every being that breaths into this earth. He is love, my love, my beautiful, my every breath. my heart now only belongs to Him.