Strangers

I swear with the way he looks at me, some would think we have a secret involved between us, but I don't even know who is he. 
I must admit, I probably blush every time he looks over to glaze me up and down. Or the way he stares deep into my eyes, even though he is distant, it feels like I can feel his breath against me. I can't help myself. 
These passionate stares, like we have already been intimate, as if he has already touched me, kissed me,  undressed me, like he already has me wrapped around his finger. What's his name? 
I'm loosing myself in theses non existent thoughts and memories, imagining myself up against his glorious body,  as he runs his hands down my back, firmly pressing my hips into his. I need to stop, and he needs to stop capturing my wandering eyes. 
As if I met him once before, and he knows every fantasy and desire burning inside. I blush, and break the  stare, it's time to break the ice. This game is exhausting.  
But I have to wonder, how long can I keep him guess because I'm pretty sure he is undressing me with his eyes; and he is surely wondering if I would allow him to do it.

Once upon a time

The once upon a times do exist. Once upon a time, I was broken. Once upon a time, I was lost, and then, once upon a time, I was found. But I didn't find myself, God found me in all my brokenness. In all the lost, broken, shattered, and forgotten pieces, God found me. He saved me. 

God became my happily ever after, when i became completely consumed in my own death story and struggle. When my idea of an ending became the end to my life, when I couldn't gather my broken pieces, when I couldn't manage my own sanity, God had already written the ending to my ugly, unmanageable, beautiful life. And He made sure that in my deepest pit of darkness, He was my light. That when I was shackled to the ocean floor by boundless, non existent weights, He was the hand pulling me to the surface. God was always waiting and holding His unconditional hands out for me to touch. 

I realize that i haven't been running from myself, or from fear, but I was running from my one true love. And my one true love has been running after me the entire time. I was just to selfish to turn around, and recognize His beautiful voice calling for me. And here i am, at this fork in the road, with God next to me, holding my hand. I am finally now letting Him lead the way. 

Broken crumbs

I have been picking up the shattered pieces, as I find them along this path we call life. And slowly, but surely, these pieces come together into this thing i once called my heart, but this time, the shape it makes, no longer matches with what I was once born with. Constantly, it falls apart, and yet again, I pick them hoping this time I can hold it long enough to make it through one more day. And I hope that when I wake up tomorrow, the pieces will still be held together, that along my path of life I'll keep finding the missing pieces, hoping and praying, that maybe God will restore it to the innocent thing that it once was. 

But little do I know, the heart I was born with, God never let it out of His powerful grasp. Little did I know, that the pieces I have been picking up were not of His gift, but of my own brokenness. These small pieces I have been desperately searching, and selfishly holding on to, these small broken, unmanageable, and painful pieces, were only bread crumbs leading me into the arms of my unconditional lover. 

Love at first sight

I am her first love, her first touch, her first kiss. I have been her shelter, protection and strength. 

She has completely captured my heart and holds it tight in the grasp of her tiny hands. The beauty in her eyes cannot be described, the happiness in her smile cannot be compared, the love in hear heart exists beyond understanding, I am completely in love with with this precious child I call daughter. 

She sees my every secret, she hears my every cry, and lives all my sins next to me. She watches every moment of life with me in complete joy. Even though I am dying inside, she becomes more alive. She grows older, as I grow closer to death. 

I was given the gift of life, I was given the gift of mother hood. She gave me love that I have never experienced. She has forgiven me, although she knows nothing of the past... Jesus taught her well. I'm sure they have sat together, contemplating discussing, and loving the idea behind this gift we call love.

My life has been completely transformed, my heart explodes with love love and joy. She calls me mommy and will call her forever mine. 

the corner you avoid

of course i'm judging him. i mean, why wouldn't i? he is grungy, and dirty. i can smell him as he stands next to my car window with a sign that reads "homeless, please help, God bless." immediately, as if he is a convicted criminal, i lock all four doors, roll up my window, and choose to avoid as much eye contact as possible.

then the thoughts go through my head, "who is he? what's his name? does he have children?" how can i be such a curious person, yet automatically judge, and assume, that this man, who smells different, who is obviously hungry, is going to rob me. how selfish can i be? how is it that i am any better than he is? yet, i still sit in my car with the windows rolled up, refusing to make eye contact because i don't want to feel sorry for him, and i don't want to give him that last dollar in my pocket, even though i don't need it. he probably deserves that McDonald's coffee more than i do. Because i'm pretty sure that his man is not judging me. In fact, he probably feels shame, and hurt, and i refuse to help him because once again, i think i am too good for this, when the truth is, i am probably much more of a dirty, filthy person on the inside.

where has all this judgement come from? all he probably wants is some change, or something to eat, and is just trying to get by in life. Yet, here i sit, in my NICE car, in clean clothes, on the way to my JOB, and i have the nerve to sit here and judge this man, when all he wants is to probably be loved, and stopped being judged. all he wants is a sandwich, and to thank some one for their kindness and hospitality. for crying out loud, i mean, this man could be Jesus, on this corner, and i am doing everything in my power to avoid His presence. i should be the one ashamed.

Just as i reach into my pocked to pull out my dollar, i see a woman running across the street with a bag in her hand. she hands him the bag, and a bottle of water. the man hugs her, and she walks away.

the tears in my eyes start to come, the light turns green, and i drive away, hoping that i don't see this man because i feel as if he has read all my thoughts, and i am too much embarrassed to show my face.

my love.

i'm falling more in love with him each day, and each day i learn the i will never stop learning to love him. i feel as if i've been completed, even-though, i have been completed by God, he still makes me feel like i have found what i have been searching for my entire life.

it starts from the way he touches me, to the ways he says my name, the way he calls me beautiful, the way he looks me deep in my eyes and tells me he loves me.

in his eyes i am royalty, in his life i am part of life, in his existence, i am everything to him.

he is the better half, he brings out the best in me, and believes that if i wanted to, i could really fly. he sees Jesus in me, and tell me that he wants to be more like me. but i desire his patience, kindness, and his love for life.

the day he asked me to marry him, i couldn't imagine anyone else i'd rather rather be with than him, i couldn't imagine being next to anyone else but him for the rest of my living life.

i love him, and forever will.

mommy

mommy,

i miss you already. i came by the house today, and in its emptiness, i saw you sitting on the couch knitting your next project; and in the mist of this emptiness, i relived my childhood, my young adult life, and the beginning of my adult life. i felt the tears as they slowly poured down my face, and wished that i could hug you one more time.

i know you aren't gone, you just a little further away, and closer to the Cowboys. But still you aren't here with me, which is way to far.

i can still smell the German Chocolate Cake you are baking, and the vanilla plug ins you have in the wall. i can hear Dad walking down the hall with his house shoes on asking if you're done yet. i can hear the foot ball game on in the back round, but i much prefer your humming as you put icing the cake.

i still wish to hug you when i walk though the door, but i know that's not going to happen for a long time.

i miss you asking me if i am hungry, and tell to go dig through the fridge. i miss you sticking dollar bills in my purse when i'm not looking. its just i really miss you.

if i haven't told you enough, i love you with all my heart. God gave me the greatest mother i could have ever asked for. i thank you for everything you have every done for me, and everything you will continue to do for me. thank you for giving me life, and love me. i hope i get to visit you soon.


Love your only daughter,

me.